The Girl You Thought I Was Read online

  Dedication

  For my parents

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Books by Rebecca Phillips

  Back Ad

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Chapter One

  THE BIKINI HAS BLACK AND WHITE STRIPES AND little turquoise beads attached to the ends of the strings. It’s probably expensive, but that doesn’t matter because this is it. The one. I move closer and rub the smooth fabric between my fingers.

  I want it.

  No. I need it.

  Showing up at Jasmine Tully’s school’s-out-for-summer pool party in my old, stretched-out one-piece that I’ve had since ninth grade isn’t an option. Most of the girls will be wearing cute swimsuits, probably freshly selected at the mall. Or maybe even from a boutique downtown. But I’m smart enough to stay away from little shops, where the risk of being noticed is a lot greater. At least this department store has some cute clothes.

  With practiced ease, I turn over the price tags. The bikini top alone is thirty dollars, on sale. The bottoms are twenty-two. Over fifty dollars for a few tiny scraps of fabric, which seems silly to me. Like so many other things, the smaller it is, the more you pay.

  I think of the two twenties in my wallet—the last of my savings—and turn my back on the swimsuit section. I start browsing through a rack of shirts, my senses on high alert. It’s Saturday afternoon, a busy time for big-box stores, and several other shoppers are buzzing around the women’s section. Casually, I check them out: an old woman slowly pushing a cart. A skinny blonde picking through activewear. A pretty mom flanked by two small boys fighting over who gets to carry a package of cookies. None of them look even remotely like a loss prevention officer, which is the official job title for those creepy plainclothes people who lurk in the aisles and try to catch people stealing. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t any around. As usual, the tips I learned from the internet flash through my mind.

  Never let your guard down. Stay paranoid, even when you know the store.

  I do know this store. I spent weeks studying the layout, locating the cameras, and figuring out all the blind spots. I learned the best times and days to go and what some of the LP officers look like. But no matter how many times I do this, no matter how confident I’ve become, the paranoia never stops. And it shouldn’t. Arrogance can make you sloppy.

  I adjust my purse against my shoulder and drift over to a table display of jeans. They’re not my style, but it doesn’t matter. I take my time digging through the pile and eventually pull out a pair in my size. Draping them over my forearm, I double back to the shirts. That thick blue-and-white flannel one I spotted a few minutes ago will work just fine.

  Blend in. Don’t give anyone a reason to suspect you.

  One good thing about being short—blending in is easy. No one would ever suspect the tiny red-haired girl with the glasses and cute dusting of freckles across her nose. I look like a bouncy student-council-president type, someone who organizes fund-raisers for new gym equipment and paints her face at football games. Not a criminal.

  No one looks at me twice.

  I pick out a flannel shirt in size small. It’s almost summer and getting warm, but a good flannel is always useful. I hold it by its hanger and continue to browse, slowly, picking things up and putting them back, flipping through tops and camis, the metal hangers screeching against the rack. Typical shopper behavior. All the while, I’m listening. Watching. Aware. I know there’s a camera above me, but I don’t look at it. That’s just asking for trouble.

  It’s time. I make my way over to swimwear again. By now, I have two more shirts hanging from my hand. Cute ones that I’m actually going to buy. Because it’s always smart to act normal and go through the checkout.

  The bikini is right where I left it. Looking at it again, I see that both pieces have sensor tags. No big deal. I find size smalls in each and hook the hangers over my fingers, positioning them behind the shirts so they’re not in full view. Step one—done.

  Take advantage of blind spots.

  I start walking, making sure my pace isn’t stiff or overly fast. In the distance, the housewares section stretches out across several aisles. It’s an area, I’ve discovered, that’s not closely monitored. A blind spot. I stroll down an aisle and stop in front of a display of curtains. After double-checking to make sure the aisle is empty, I quickly tuck the bikini into the unbuttoned plaid shirt, then adjust the fabric until it’s completely hidden. Step two.

  The fitting rooms are across from women’s underwear, a short walk away. I continue to browse as I go, head facing forward, pausing every so often to flip through a rack. Cool and casual. No one appears to be following me or paying any attention to me. I’m good to go.

  “How many, honey?”

  The woman working the fitting rooms barely looks at me. She’s busy digging through a messy pile of clothes and putting things back on hangers.

  I show her my selections. “Four.”

  She nods and gets a little plastic hanger with the number four on it, then unlocks a change room. I thank her and slip inside, my heart thumping. The nervous anticipation makes me feel weightless and dizzy, like I’m floating somewhere outside myself. All I can think about is the goal in front of me—doing what I have to do and then getting out as quickly and smoothly as possible.

  I drop the jeans on the bench and hang up the three tops. Above the row of hooks, there’s a sign: Shoplifters Will Be Prosecuted. A scare tactic. Change rooms aren’t monitored, and this store doesn’t have the extreme types of LP officers who slide mirrors under the doors. No eyes are on me right now, and for the first time in twenty minutes, I take in a full breath.

  The bikini is still hidden securely in the flannel shirt. I free it and hang both pieces on a hook of their own. After stripping down to just my underwear, I slide the bottoms up my legs, silently praying that everything fits. Because if it doesn’t, I might have to try again tomorrow, when the store isn’t quite as busy and the risk of detection is greater. Please let it fit.

  So far so good. I slip the bikini top on next, tying the strings with slightly shaky fingers. It feels good. Comfortable. I let out a small sigh of relief as I study my reflection. Looks pretty good too. Better than my ratty one-piece, anyway.

  As silently as possible, I unlatch my purse and dig out my hook—a small, curved piece of metal that removes several types of security tags—which I ordered online a few months ago. I grip the tag attached to the bikini bottom and work the
tip of the hook into the hole on the end. I need to push with enough force to remove the pin, which isn’t always easy. But this time the tag pops off right away. I do the same with the one on the top, then stick both tags into the pockets of the jeans I brought in just for this purpose. And that’s step three.

  Quickly, I get dressed again, arranging my clothes over my new bikini. I twist around, checking to see if anything shows. The ties at the back of my neck stick out a little, but once I put my jacket on, they’re no longer noticeable. Satisfied, I stuff the hook in my purse, along with my bra, and grab the rest of the stuff I came in with. In total, I was in here for about ten minutes. Completely respectable.

  When I emerge, the woman is still hanging up discarded clothes. I smile at her as I return the number four hanger.

  “How’d you do?” she asks, her gaze flicking to the items in my hands. The same number I went in with, as far as she knows.

  “This doesn’t fit me.” I hand over the flannel shirt but keep the jeans. She might feel the security tags in the pockets, and if that happened, it would be all over.

  “Have a good day,” she tells me, turning back to her work.

  “You too.”

  I head for the checkouts with the jeans and the two shirts I plan to buy. On the way, I furtively dump the jeans on a ransacked table of T-shirts. Thirty or so feet to the checkouts. Twenty feet. Still facing straight ahead, I shift my eyes back and forth. No one is watching me. I strain my ears, listening. No footsteps behind me. No one is trailing. I reach the checkout and stand in line behind a tired-looking man with a baby in a car seat. The baby smiles at me, drool dripping down her chin, but I’m too focused on my pounding heart and the tingling feeling in my limbs to smile back. Just a few more minutes.

  You’re not free yet. Not until you’re leaving the parking lot. Until then, don’t assume.

  When it’s my turn, I set the shirts on the counter.

  “Find everything you were looking for today?” the cashier, a girl about my age, asks brightly as she scans my stuff. Each beep echoes through my head, the sound amplified.

  “Yes,” I say, trying not to fidget. I resist the urge to adjust the collar of my jacket again and dig out my cash instead.

  “That’ll be thirty-two fifty-nine.”

  I hand over my twenties, already damp from the sheen of sweat on my palms. The cashier gives me my change and receipt, and I leisurely take my bag, like I’m in no hurry to leave. Next comes the most nerve-racking part. Nothing can be done to you in the store itself—but once you’re outside those doors, you’re fair game.

  “Have a nice afternoon,” the cashier says as I walk away.

  “You too.”

  The doors have alarm towers on each side, which I don’t need to worry about since I know enough to remove security tags. What I do need to worry about is getting stopped by a perceptive employee or an LP officer outside the doors. I’ve read stories online about even the smartest lifters getting caught and then taken to a room to be grilled for hours. Obviously, they got sloppy.

  I won’t let myself get sloppy.

  As I approach the exit, I keep my receipt in my hand in case the alarms do go off for some reason and I need proof for my purchases. But nothing happens as I pass through, and just like that, I’m stepping out into the warm, late-May rain.

  Don’t pause. Don’t look around. Just keep walking.

  No footsteps. No angry voice yelling for me to stop. No firm hand on my arm. Like always, I walk away free.

  My black Honda Civic is parked near the end of the lot. I get in and toss the bag on the passenger seat, automatically glancing in the mirrors for approaching security. All I see is an old lady wearing a plastic rain bonnet, shuffling toward the store.

  The adrenaline drains out of my body, and suddenly I’m exhausted. Confident that no one’s coming for me, I lean back against the seat and shut my eyes for a moment. As I do, I catch a whiff of my mother’s vanilla-scented perfume. This used to be her car, before she left. I’ve tried everything from air fresheners to leaving the windows open for days to get rid of the smell, the reminder of her. But it still lingers, trapped forever in the seat fabric.

  I drive home in the rain with my window open wide, turquoise beads digging into my back the whole way.

  Chapter Two

  THE MINUTE I GET HOME, I GO STRAIGHT TO MY room and take off the bikini.

  It happens like this every time. First, the nervous buildup. Then, the rush of adrenaline in the moment, followed by the crash of calm when it’s over. And finally, the hot, prickly guilt, settling like a thorny knot in my stomach. I’ve never had a hangover, but I imagine this is what people feel like after a weekend of binge drinking, their bodies heavy with exhaustion and shame.

  The shame is what lasts the longest. At least until I start the cycle all over again.

  I fold the bikini as small as it will go and place it in the corner of my underwear drawer. I don’t need to hide the things I take—my father never snoops in my room or notices any of the various items I come home with—but I prefer to store my hauls where I don’t have to look at them every day.

  Fergus, my fat orange tabby, saunters into my room as I’m getting back into my clothes. He sits on the edge of the rug and stares at me with wide eyes.

  “Hungry?” I ask.

  He lets out a squeaky meow and bolts for the door. I follow him into the kitchen, where I open a can of food and slop it into his bowl. He digs in like he hasn’t eaten in weeks. A year ago, when I moved in with my dad permanently, I was so happy when I discovered that Maple View Apartments were cat-friendly. I’ve had Fergus since I was six; I’m not sure I would have chosen to live here if it meant leaving him with my mother.

  As Fergus eats, I go back to my room and open my laptop, thinking I might watch a movie to help calm myself down. My throat tightens when I realize I forgot to shut down the browser this morning after my daily blog check-in.

  I found the Tumblr community by accident one day when I Googled “shoplifting tips.” For the next two hours, I clicked through dozens of blogs written by people like me—people who take things without paying. Some bloggers post pictures of their hauls, proudly announcing what their stolen objects are worth. Others post tips and tricks, detailing which stores are easy to lift from and which to steer clear of entirely. I’ve learned everything I know from this community.

  Sometimes I think about starting my own blog, but I’m too paranoid. What if it’s traced back to me? Besides, I don’t want to show off what I’ve taken and the value of each item. I’m not proud of what I do. Of what I’ve become. So for now, I just lurk and take it all in.

  But I’m not in the mood for lurking right now, not with the guilt still churning in my stomach. A movie doesn’t sound appealing anymore either, so I close the laptop and reach for my backpack instead. Finals start in two weeks, and I have a lot to prepare.

  I’m still sorting through my notes when I hear Dad come home at six. Ready for a break, I throw down my pen and shuffle out to the kitchen, where he’s placing a grease-stained pizza box on the counter. I sniff. Mushrooms and sausage.

  “Nazario’s tonight,” he says when he sees me. “Sausage and mushrooms.”

  Knew it. My father and I eat a lot of takeout. I’ve gained about ten pounds since moving here.

  “Yum.” I open the box and pull out a slice, then slap it on a paper towel. We don’t bother with dishes half the time. “How was work?”

  Dad picks out his own slice and immediately drops a glob of sauce on his tie. He looks at it, shrugs, and chomps off a bite of pizza. “It was work.”

  When I was little and teachers asked me to draw a picture of my family, I always drew my dad in his suit. That’s how I knew him—he wore a tie and sold cars to people. He’s done both for as long as I can remember.

  “Any sales?” I rip off another paper towel and pass it to him.

  Instead of answering, he takes another bite, chewing slowly. I study his face. Sinc
e Mom left, the lines around his eyes and mouth have been getting deeper by the day. Lately, they seem to be multiplying too. Though he’d never admit it, I know that sales have slowed down at the dealership. Every salesperson has bad months, but usually the good ones make up for it. Since January, it seems like most of his months have been bad. I’m not sure if business has slowed down in general or if he’s been off his game since the separation. In any case, it worries me.

  “How was your day?” He dabs at his tie, ignoring my question altogether.

  I do the same with his. “Dad, I can give up my car. I told you this.”

  “And I told you no, you are not giving up your car. You need it to get to school.”

  “School’s almost over.”

  “Okay, then you need it for your summer job.”

  I lean my hip against the counter. “Royal Smoothie isn’t far. I can take the bus.”

  Dad frowns and puts down his pizza. “Morgan. Your car isn’t breaking the bank, okay? Focus on acing your exams and let me worry about what we can and can’t afford. That’s a parent’s job. Got it?”

  “Fine.”

  “Good.” He picks up his slice again and tears off a piece of crust. “Breaking Bad later?”

  I nod. Shortly after I moved in, we started binging TV series we’d both managed to miss the first time around. Over the past few months, we’ve fallen into the habit of watching a couple of episodes a night, usually accompanied by large bowls of ice cream. It’s something we both look forward to, a quiet bonding over sugar and addictive TV.

  We finish our pizza and I go back to my room, shutting the door behind me. The shame from earlier mixes with a fresh blast of concern for my dad, making me want to scream into my pillow. I know he’s right—my car is more than affordable with his discount at the dealership, but still. When I think about all the other bills he has to pay—rent, food, my sister’s college tuition, lawyer fees—the last thing I want is to add to it in any way. His bad months weren’t so bad when he and Mom were together and contributing equally, but now that it’s just us . . .

  Eager for a distraction that doesn’t involve studying, I grab my phone and send a text to my sister.